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Good at Pursuit, Crappy at Maintenance

January 21, 2011   •   By Master Hobbit

Posted under: Mind, Spirit, Relationships


Good at Pursuit, Crappy at Maintenance

There must be something in the male wiring that makes us downright amazing at pursuing what we want. 


We will expend every waking hour and borrow against sleep time to get what we think we want.  I’d say that is an admirable trait.  Let’s take a moment, men, and pat ourselves on the back, being careful not to strain something in the process.


Now, let’s let the other shoe drop.  We are much less impressive when it comes to maintaining this intensity and interest once we have acquired that which we so energetically pursued.  Sorry, had to get that out there. 


But, today, our focus will be mostly on the chase.


Application?  Women.  Yep, we can exhibit some amazing traits when we want a particular woman.  It’s like life will never be complete unless we have her and we go to great lengths to make it happen.


I recall one of my first post-divorce online encounters, now some three-plus years ago.  She was one of a few attractive women in my area, so I really wanted to strike up a conversation with her.  The facts of life being what they are, however, women are reported to receive many times more mail online than men.  Take some multiplier times that average for great looking women.


In some ways, I was like the little kid in grade school jumping up-and-down in the back the room when teams are being selected for a game of dodge ball, I want to get picked!  ‘Pick me, pick me, why don’t I ever get picked’, he laments loudly.  You get the picture.  Fifty-three year old Kermit wants to get picked by this total stranger.  What have I become?


First, I, as a regular smuck, have no particular physical features that will make her go ’Holy smokes, hope he contacts me!’  So, I have some heavy lifting to do if I’m going to get her attention.  Add to that, there’s an 8-year gap in age – not insurmountable but not my strongest point in the marketplace.  Competitively speaking, in the meat market of online dating, I was at a practical disadvantage.


Enter Kermit’s Apparent First Principle: Ain’t no mountain high enough!


Application?  I’m going to tear up heaven and earth, and large chunks of hell, to move my face in front of her face.  End of story.  The adrenaline is pumping again even as I type this!


I say ‘apparent’ as I don’t have it written down somewhere, but I seem to act like it is a law of science or some such.


Anyhow, I began an email campaign that went on for weeks.  These were no cheesy, wimpy, ‘I would like to meet you’ emails.  At various times I’m writing as a lawyer, a poet, a novelist, an economist, you name it, I’m working it.  I would write one a day.  I’m disciplined, mature, persistent, articulate, creative, clever, witty, and confident – never desperate.


I created lengthy analogies, fictional stories of adventure, love and passion (with a man and woman as key figures in the story).  I knew she was reading my messages as Match let’s you know – for a price.


Then one day, I got a response from her.  A comment that my last message was funny or something encouraging like that.  One or two lines only.


Enter Kermit’s Apparent Second Principle: To fire, add one drop of gasoline!


When I saw the email in the inbox, before even opening it, my heart was racing.  I pushed away from the computer and just stared at it.  I knew I would win.  Faith was now reality.  In fact, it was not a question of if, but when we would meet.


I kept up the pursuit, most of the time being ignored.  But her responses became more frequent.  Then, we moved to phone calls, and then lengthy ones.  Then to the first meeting.


She reveals that she doesn’t think we’re a match.  I’m unconvinced.


Enter Kermit’s Apparent Third Principle: ‘No’ really means work harder!


I load more and bigger guns, fire impressive vollies into her defenses.  This is how you win the woman.  No is really not no – it’s a yes that needs birthing.


Then comes the culminating event.  She agrees to be my dance partner in a ballroom dancing class, which was to take place over several weeks.  I mean, am I fricken amazing or what!


[Stop video.  We interrupt this program to get to the point.]


We men can be amazing at the pursuit of what we want.  We will track down that prize buck in rain, sleet and a blizzard.  But when we catch it, we don’t want to drag it home, cut and clean it. 


We will pursue a prospect until we make the sale and then somehow kind of lose that intensity of attention the client comes to expect.


And the woman we finally win somehow doesn’t seem THAT interesting once we’ve caught her.  It’s like, ‘Well, now that THAT job’s done we can move on to the next one.’


Turns out maintenance is harder than the chase.  I guess it is basic math.  However long the chase takes, it consumes infinitely less resources than maintenance does. 


I think I ought to stick with low-maintenance relationships these days…. until……. the next chase….. THEN, I’ll be Iron Man!


[By the way, have you become a Facebook friend yet?  It’s low maintenance.  Here’s our Facebook link.]

Read More About: dating women online dating behavior

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About the Author: Master Hobbit

Master Hobbit is the creator of 4060men. After a marriage of over 30 years ended in divorce, he journeyed for over 5 years as a single midlife man. He remarried in 2012. He is also the owner of the blog platform,, and a blog platform review site,

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